What Happens When Dad Stays Home and Mom Works?

At the moment, my husband is between jobs. It’s summer and he’s delighted; the goatee is growing and the sideburns are lengthening. For the first time in 20 years, he can sleep past 5:45 for more than 14 consecutive mornings. Freedom, at long last. Or so you’d think.

Since we’ve had children, I’ve consistently worked shorter hours. The result is that I’ve been the home manager for a dozen years. I’ve organized the children’s schedules, prepared the meals and ferried the children to their weekly activities. Don’t get me wrong: My husband is very supportive and has assumed his fair share of chores. But his work, on average, has required him to be absent from the house for 12 hours a day, limiting his availability when it comes to household tasks.

No longer.

Currently, my husband is in management training. Each morning before I go to work, I leave a list of the day’s tasks and children’s activities, reminding my husband who has to be where when. In the evening, when I return home, he updates me on what’s been accomplished and what has not.

I’m having a hard time letting go, not because I love these tasks but because I worry that if I relinquish all ownership, the tasks won’t get done. Summer reading will be forgotten, dinner won’t be cooked, and the children will go to sleep two hours past their bedtime each night. Those few times I have pulled back, tasks have been overlooked, compelling me -- I've decided -- to reassume my role.

Share the power. That’s what Joe Kelly, the founder of Dads and Daughters once told me. I’ve spent the last dozen years believing I’ve made a concerted effort to do just that. But not until these last two weeks have I really been tested and, at the moment, I deserve a grade of a C-minus, at best.

I don’t think gender is the issue. One of my brothers is a stay-at-home dad, and he exercises similar control of household tasks. No, the reality is that old habits die hard, particularly when we’re so entrenched in our roles. The challenge, I realize, is letting go of the power, irrespective of whether that power is in the public or private domain. At 12 years as head of household, maybe I’ve served one too many terms.

For more information, check out these Monster resources:

• “Tips for Working Mothers”

• “Just Say No”

• “The Working Mothers' Balancing Act”

• From the Monster Blog: “A Good Guide for Working Fathers: Daddy Blogs”

• From the Monster Blog: “Working Mothers: Stop Feeling Guilty”

Also, check out:

• “‘Momblocked’ Mothers Feel Edged Out by Dads”

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