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March 26, 2007
Another Reason for Working Mothers to Feel Guilty
I came into the office this morning, fresh from vacation, wondering what work-related topic I should blog about today. I had just dropped my son off at day care after a full week of family bonding time and a few days straight of just me and him while my husband was away visiting some friends.
And that’s when I saw this New York Times article: “Poor Behavior Is Linked to Time in Day Care.”
The article details the Study of Child Care and Youth Development, the longest-running study of American child care. It began in 1991 and is tracking just more than 1,300 children. The study finds that “keeping a child in a day care center for a year or more increased the likelihood the child would become disruptive in class – and the effect persisted through sixth grade,” according to the article.
Luckily, the study notes that the behavior is within the average range for a healthy child and that other factors, like genes and how the parents raise their children, have a much stronger effect on the child. “But,” the article goes on, “the finding held up regardless of the child’s sex or family income, and regardless of the quality of the day care center. With more than 2 million American preschoolers attending day care, the increased disruptiveness very likely contributes to the load on teachers who must manage large classrooms, the authors argue.”
Great! Now in addition to letting my own son down by both my husband and I working so we can invest in his present and future, we’re letting his future classmates down, because he will zap school resources by being a classroom nuisance. We already knew he’d likely end up being a little disruptive in class -- he comes from a long line of chatterboxes. But this study is sealing his destiny.
I kept looking through the article for a silver lining. For example, isn’t he better socialized because of day care? Don’t all the experiences from this additional source of education somehow positively contribute to the fabric of who he becomes?
The article does say that “time spent in high-quality day care centers was correlated with higher vocabulary scores throughout elementary school,” so that is nice. But I can’t help feeling a little guilty. I love my son, and I love my work, and balancing them both is a struggle, as many working moms can attest to. But if you can make it work, it is so worth it.
But how can working moms get over the guilt? What do you do?
If you’re a working mother looking for some help, check out our Working Mothers Special Feature.
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Posted by Norma on March 26, 2007 at 11:04 AM in Women at Work | Permalink | Comments (18) | TrackBack (0)
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Comments
I think to myself "Some studies are just full of crap" and go on about my life. I'm not dismissing the study, just saying it need not become something to feed our guilt-o-meters. It isn't delusional behavior to think "So what if that study says, blah, blah, blah". My kids and family seem to be doing okay, I'm okay, so why do I need to even give it another guilty thought? We most of us are better parents than we give ourselves credit for being.
Posted by: Devra Renner | Mar 26, 2007 12:43:09 PM
This study pissed me off. I recommend ignoring it and instead join the working mom's fight against guilt at http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com
Posted by: Susan | Mar 28, 2007 9:10:54 PM
I live in the suburbs, so I don't know a lot of kids who's mothers work -- maybe 5 total -- but what I've noticed is the ones that come to our house that do have working mothers seem starved for attention. It's almost like they would do anything to feel loved. They know that most moms take care of their kids and that there is something different about them. I had one neighborhood boy ask me once why Sierra (my daughter) gets to be home with her mom and he doesn't. Of course, I didn't have an answer for him, but I've never seen a child so sad. It really breaks my heart and makes me thank god that my husband has a good job and gives me the opportunity to raise my children myself. I don't think I could handle dumping them off in daycare just so we could have a few extra dollars a month. It hardly seems worth it.
Posted by: Suzanne Smith | Mar 29, 2007 10:15:11 AM
You know, Webster's describes 'guilt' as "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined." Maybe these moms feel guilty because they know the right thing to do is to be there for their kids. Your baby only gets 5 years to be with you before they go to school. I wouldn't want my wife to short change our son for money. That money'll get spent but you never get those years back that you missed with your kids. (and they NEED that) I really think our society would be much better off if more moms did the right thing. Sorry to all the working moms out there. I know a lot of you have no choice, being single moms or whatever. Why any mom with a working spouse would do it, I can't even fathom.
Posted by: Joseph Zimmerman | Mar 29, 2007 11:57:36 AM
"makes me thank god that my husband has a good job and gives me the opportunity to raise my children myself."
I just think that it is heart-breaking that American women feel like they aren't allowed or that it isn't the norm for them to raise their own children. I am glad I come from a country where moms get to be moms. The priorities in this country are so messed up.
Posted by: Marta | Mar 29, 2007 12:09:56 PM
I happen to find it a little ironic that stay at home moms who are staying home are posting these comments on a website designed for job seekers! If life is so great at home why are they looking on a site like this? I am currently at home but going back to work due to the rising costs of our family. I have stayed home for the past four years and while I have enjoyed it, it is time for me to go back to work. I will be a better mom by going back to work and providing money for my kids to participate in the activities they love rather than have to tell them they can't because we can't afford it. I do tell my children no quite often but that is for toys and such. By going back to work I am showing my daughter and sons that staying at home can be good but so can be working. I do not feel guilty about going back into the workforce one bit. As for the study, don't believe it. My youngest can't wait to go to school(daycare), probably because his older siblings will both be in school and he can feel good about going too. I am in no way dumping him off in daycare for just a few extra bucks a month. My oldest was in daycare from 1 year old to 3 1/2 and he just received student of the month for LEADERSHIP!!!! He has been student of the month several times now and he also got an award for citizenship of the year last year in kindergarten and his teacher told me he will be getting it again this year. If daycare is so bad then how did he get such awards? Answer: parenting. Plain and simple it's about the quality of parenting not the quantity. I know several mothers who stay home but are not emotionally invested in their kids and guess what? Their kids are starving for attention, not the kids of other working mothers I know. I have made my choices and people just need to do whatever is best for the person and the family situation. There is enough going on in this world to feel guilty about so why not focus on that instead of this old tired debate of which is better: staying home or working, it all just depends on the person.
Posted by: Ryan Marie | Mar 31, 2007 10:04:05 PM
This study is unbelievable to me...we need to take it with a pinch of salt. Also appalled at the women who talk about children being sad because their Moms work! I am a SAHM to my 16 month old, but I find myself admiring working Mommys and those who stay at home equally. Either way it is a difficult decision, and given a perfect world (where SAHMs could recieve a tax break for their families and thus help out financially as well) most Moms might want to spend more time with their babies.
Posted by: Preeti | Apr 2, 2007 11:51:27 AM
I can't stand it when people turn this into a right or wrong discussion on whether women should work or not. It depends on the person and their situation, their family, their career, etc. It's wrong for a person who stays home to criticize a woman who has chosen to work, just as it would be wrong if a working woman were to criticize a stay at home mom for her choice. I don't "have" to work. I went to grad school and worked hard to move up at my company. I work at a large company with a lot of successful moms in leadership positions, I like having a successful career and I like being a mom. Unlike my mother before me, I will not be trapped in a bad marriage because I can't support myself, and I won't be poverty-striken if the marriage ended, like she is. I don't feel guilty for setting an example for my kids that a woman can have it all - a great fulfilling career and a loving family, who are not starved for attention BTW. It's not about money (though that's nice too), it's about having just as many opportunities as men, and enjoying what you do, whichever choice you make, and not criticizing others for the choices they make.
Posted by: Stephanie | Apr 2, 2007 11:52:20 AM
(Guiltless 40 hrs a week)
Full Time Shift Plus...
I work from Monday thru Friday 8am to 6pm. My daughter is almost 3 years old. I´ve been a single mother since then. Believe me, my job has given me the skills I need to be creative at the time I´m with my daughter. And my daughter has given me the skills I need to be proactive in my job.
Reading your comments I´ve tried to come up with one of my own regarding this issue. It seems guilt is a feeling that is paralyzing women. Instead; responsability drives women into being positive in her thoughts and transfer those positive thoughts and attitudes towards her or his children. If we retain guilt in our mind and body, even if we stay home with our kids we will make them miserable. Guilt consumes energy we need to raise kids. Guilt consumes energy we need to love our husband (or couple) and be free. Even if we stay home with our kids and housekeep we won´t be happy nor make our family happy.
So, first of all we need to understand as women what guilt really is. And then manage guilt and other negative feelings so we can understand our responsibilities and those around us. Responsibility is the answer.
Posted by: Gabby | Apr 2, 2007 12:11:29 PM
I read this article and can't believe that there should even be a thought of guilt. Most mothers work not only because they want to, but because they have to. I am a single mother that does the best she can with what she has. I don't have time to feel guilty about making a living for my 3kids who by the way spent time in a daycare facility. My sixteen yr old daughter will be gruaduating this year and starting college before she is 17. My 18 yr old son is gruaduating also. My 12yr old is very intellegent. All three have excellent behavior and will do very well in life because I set the example for them to be independent and do not only what is necessary but what they love to do. I have done this myself with no guilt whatsoever, because no one else is going to feed them but me.
Posted by: Crystal | Apr 3, 2007 6:45:33 PM
My experience with working mothers has been that often they do feel a guilt (that fathers don't feel), yet because of a personal drive that is deep and strong, they want to do more with their lives than just be mothers.
In fact ask some and they'll tell you they would go crazy if they had to stay home all day.
Why should a woman not feel professionally fulfilled. Men can do more by understading this dilemma and doing all they can to support the women in their life to get the most from their lives too.
Martin Haworth
http://www.HowToLandYourDreamJob.com
Posted by: Martin Haworth | Apr 4, 2007 6:25:15 AM
That´s right... guilt will be an obstacle for a working mother until she starts enjoying her time at work, at home and alone. Being aware of our feelings will make us realize we are free and able to love our children no matter what. And yes, staying at home all day without any creativity will make a woman go crazy. Needs a very innovative profile if she wants to be happy that way.
Posted by: Gabby | Apr 4, 2007 11:20:41 AM
I think that I think my first complaint is that the author makes it seem like she feels guilty for sending her child to day care. I don't get that. If you state that you feel guilty about something it sends the message that you think that you're doing something wrong. But she's not. I like the way she writes, I just didn't like her remorseful'tone'.I feel that she should have
given her opinion one way or the other-- either she thinks this study is fabulous, or a load of crappola.
I personally think this study is full of crapt.
I don't feel guilty about sending my baby to day care or having my mother watch her-- AT ALL! I'm a woman AND a mom. I don't think I have to be just ONE or the other, you know?
I don't think the author or ANY woman or man should feel guilty.
The majority of us work because life is expensive and the majority of us don't have husbands who make 6 figures so we can stay home and join the PTA or bake all day. And even IF we all had rich husbands, why do WE have to stay home? Why
does society try to make 'rules' about these types of things? Its insane. Who are you self-righteous people? God help us having to send our kids to schools where children were raised to believe that this bullsh*t is true.
I don't get why people are stuck in the 50's. It aggravates me and annoys me to no end.Its offensive and disturbing that I have
these condescending people looking down on ME because of
the life choices that I make! I don't look down at you for not having any type of career but the art of breastfeeding and watching your kids play all day long. So who are YOU to judge me? Or anyone else. Worry about YOURSELVES and let others live their own lives! I LIKE who I am and what my future entails,
and just because I don't fit into your cookie cutter idea of what a 'mom' is supposed to do or be is NOT my problem, but YOURS.
I get to define MYSELF, and I get to make choices
and I'm not going to feel guilty because YOU'RE an idiot-- a judgemental idiot at that. Sheesh.
I honestly just feel bad for people who have the type of mentality that they are doing something better than another.
I can have a career AND have a family. I work twice as hard and
I don't have to depend on a man for my or my child's financial status. These stay at moms can NEVER say that.
Posted by: Mel Chu | Apr 5, 2007 12:21:17 PM
If ALL mothers chose to leave paid employment to care for young children, where would we find skilled workers and professionals to replace these women? There's a good chance that the same people who criticize working mothers also rely on the hard work and expertise of working mothers (a.k.a., pediatricians and family doctors, teachers, accountants, lawyers, etc.) to provide services for their own families. Perhaps we should focus on the valuable work (paid and unpaid) that all mothers do and find ways to support women who are trying to balance career and family.
Posted by: Judy | May 1, 2007 5:53:41 PM
To Susan and Suzanne -
Wow. How incredibly judgmental. I am sure you wouldn't say that about single parents out there because they really don't have much choice. Also, sometimes married couples have no choice either. Guilt is really a useless emotion especially if the situation necessary. I am not talking about "Money in our pockets" I am talking about "Eating and paying the bills". Yes, some of us graduate-college educated, working families STILL cannot afford to stay home, even living modestly below our means. I guess in the suburbs where everyone bakes cookies and drives a Windstar this concept isn't quite so clear. I also know stay-at-home moms and respect them very much. Not because I wish I could be them but because they chose what was right for THEIR family and THEIR situation, and don't act so righteous and better than everyone else.
Gabby - thank you for standing up for women and families, regardless of their work-life balance choices.
Posted by: AB | May 7, 2007 7:17:50 PM
Mel - you are right. I cannot even retort to the moms in the 'burbs who obviously need to feel good about themselves by judging the lives of others.
I work partly by choice, partly due to financial needs. No, not "money in our pockets that isn't worth it", but I carry health insurance for our family (my husband isn't offered it at his work) and to pay bills and eat once in awhile. We both work full-time. I have a graduate degree and work in a university. He does carpentry and makes a decent wage. We both still have to work. These judging stay-at-home moms need to open their door once in awhile and realize not everyone has the luxury (or desire) to do what they do. Go volunteer at a food pantry. Babysit for one of your "poor working mom friends". READ ANYTHING about gender equality, single parent families, or even national news that isn't reported from the suburbs. It is amazing to me that some people are so sheltered.... And not everyone in the 'burbs stays home with their kids. I am sure if you look around, you will find plenty of working moms who DON't NEED YOUR APPROVAL and DON'T NEED YOUR SYMPATHY.
Please educate your self for you and your children.
Good luck.
Posted by: AB | May 7, 2007 7:29:27 PM
I feel that the "guilt" can go when you lead a more balanced life, when you have enough time to spend with your kid and family and also have the fulfilment of a career that you truly love being in. The concept of balance differs from person to person but once we aim at achieving the same, the guilt factor can go away.
For a working mother sometimes it is essential for her own self to be at work for some hours a day at least, many women have told me that they would not be great moms if they are completely stay at home moms.. they see a career as something essential to themselves.
The question is how best to achieve a good balance?
I am quoting a recent post on my blog:
http://careerbright.blogpost.com
A working mother wants:
-- Flexible working hours so she can be home with kids and enjoy her life more by being part of their lives more than just truly getting involved with their activities on the weekends.
-- A working mother wants more parental leave. She is the one who has to take time off from work when a child is sick or for other family members, she would be much happier if the employers offered extra leaves when a child or a family member is sick.
-- She wants less stress in life. The multitasking and juggling family and work takes a serious toll on her day in and day out. She would do better with some support at household chores or having some house cleaning help. She wants your contribution and a helping hand at day to day activities.
-- Working mothers need a support group. She needs friends and family members who could help in picking up their kids from school in case she is in a meeting. She needs to talk about her problems and work related issues. She needs her spouse support which would enable her to work stress-free and manage her family responsibilities with ease.
-- She needs an occasional (or frequent) meaningful 'thank you' from spouse and family, just to let her know that she matters a lot and is not someone taken for granted. A heartfelt acknowledgement and a hug will make her day for sure!
Posted by: shweta | May 11, 2007 4:39:13 PM
What I find so stupid is that if you really wanted to stay at home you would find a way. I knew one day I would have children and planned my career around that. I went to school so I could open up a private practice and work from home and stay at home at the same time. There are ways that you can work part time from home and make a great living and I am not talking about the work at home scams. All I have to say is keep telling yourself its ok to pay someone else to raise your child. Your husband had 9 mths to get another job that is better pay or get a second job so you could stay at home. What happened? Hmmmmm thats what I thought
Posted by: Cheyl | Jan 25, 2008 3:49:09 PM
